I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
