So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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