I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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