is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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