theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Randomize
