Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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