I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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