I wanna bring you to show and tell
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
