I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize