So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
