Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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