i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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