Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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