Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
