I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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