when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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