you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
