do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
