There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
