Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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