Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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