I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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