I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
