wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
