All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
