my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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