Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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