Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
