I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
