i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
