12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize