For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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