i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
