On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
