Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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