You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
