Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
