just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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