She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize