I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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