Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
