I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
