Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
