My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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