Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Be still, my beating vagina.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
