My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
