kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Randomize
