I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
