Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
