I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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