The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
