Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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