she was so not down for the gang bang
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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