I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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