I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
