Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
