did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
