What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
